Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
