When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
