He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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