I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
