can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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