He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
