Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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