oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize