I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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