I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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