Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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