This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize