Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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