so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
