Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
