watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
