What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
