i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
