Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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