he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
