Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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