When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
