I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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