I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
