How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
