Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize