Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
