operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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