If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
