my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
