I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
