Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
