just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
