I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm too high and old for this...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
