When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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