Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
