You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
