Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
