i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
