I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
