I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
