It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I came so hard my ears popped.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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