Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
