So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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