it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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