I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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