So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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