I want to make a zoo with you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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