you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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