How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
