if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it's like heaven, but drunker
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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