i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
