i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
