dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
