I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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