she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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