Christians are straight up FREAKS
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
