i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just had sex bonerless
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize