Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Randomize
