Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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