Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize